Sorry I've been MIA for a while, but I've been job-searching and helping my cousin/house-mate paint the house (FYI, not as fun as first thought).
I'll try to get comics up and updating (Is that right? Whatever) by next monday, but I'll try to get another list up by the end of the week if possible so you've got something to tide you over. Thanks for being so patient...
- Because I'm Lazy...
Okay, then. Some of you might have noticed already, but I'm attempting to update the site a bit. The Header, Banner and Avatar are all already done, and I should be able to get the Cast page up to date. If the site goes down for a while, it's because I've found the self-destruct button. Seriously.
- Because Sometimes I Can't...
So I recently found out that there's a Pac-Man movie in the works. Yeah, so... It's probably going to suck. But it did give me an idea for yet another Top 5 list. *Insert Applause here*
So without (much) further ado, I give you:
The Top 5 Terrible Video Game Movies
5: Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (2001) and Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life (2003)
Okay, so I may get booed a little for this one, but hey, it's the best of a bad lot.
Lara Croft (Angelina Jolie) must save the world from, first the Illuminati, then the Chinese, often while wearing very little clothing.
Why was it so Terrible?:
Because what I wrote above? That's seriously about as in depth as the plot gets. I imagine the planning meeting went something like this:
Movie Executive 1: So we need a big summer blockbuster. Ideas?
Movie Executive 2: We haven't ruined any childhoods lately. Let's do a movie adaptation of *draws out of a hat of video game titles* Tomb Raider.
ME1: Good, good. Keep it coming.
ME2: Sooo... random woman saves the world, yada yada yada. Cliche'd villain, end credits.
ME1: I like it. But the nerds will rage and then walk out of the cinema when they realize what we've done with their beloved franchise.
Janitor: Put Angelina Jolie in it.
ME1: Give that man a promotion!
What, you think I'm kidding?
I'm not. It's like they just decided to put as much eye-candy in the movie and hoped it would destract people from the gaping holes in the plot.
How Terrible is it?:
Probably about a 7/10 (10 being absolutely terrible)
4: Doom (2005)
Y'know what, I'm not quite sure. Something about a supersoldier serum and some marines who get sent to investigate when stuff happens.
Why was it so Terrible?:
Because they tried to make a movie about a First Person Shooter Game that has no discernable story line to begin with.
The only reason I can think of that they made this movie was this guy:
Yes, The Rock. Now known as Dwayne Johnson.
Really, this was one of those movies that was going to shoot him to stardom. And then it didn't.
He was nominated for Worst Actor at the Razzies (The Golden Rasberries. Yes, that's a real thing.).
My other issue with this movie is that it really just throws in as many monsters as it can. Zombies, aliens and (apparrently) demons. It's like they realised how shoddy the movie was turning out and then just went with the 'kitchen sink' approach.
3: Resident Evil: Afterlife (2010)
Alice kills Wesker and then goes looking for her friends
Why was it so Terrible?:
Basically there's no coherency whatsoever.
First, there's Alice clones
Then there's not. Then Alice apparrently has powers, but gets them stripped by this guy:
Then midway through the movie she gets them back again. Oh, and did I mention that the guys gets killed, but then comes back later on in the movie for some asinine reason? No? Well aparrently he's a zombie, but not really. Following this? I didn't think so.
How Terrible is it?
Pretty bad. We all know Sequels get worse as they go? Well this is the fourth movie in the trilogy. Yeah, figure that out. 9/10
2: Max Payne (2008)
Admittedly, this movie is one of my guilty pleasures, but it's still a terrible, terrible movie.
Max is obsessed with finding out who killed his wife and child. Shenanigans ensue.
Because the movie couldn't make up its mind as to what genre of movie it was. It starts out Noir, moves on to Crime, then to Action, then ends up somewhere between Psychological Thriller and Horror. And it's all because of drugs.
Remember kids, Don't do drugs.
Hello all, I'm currently procrastinating and avoiding studying for a Statistics Exam on Monday so I've been reading the past comics and saw a complaint about the subscription button being hard to find (The one for ComicFury members, not the RSS feed). I've tweaked the navigation bar so it now includes it.
-Your friendly neighbourhood geek
Sorry, guys, I know I promised a comic today, but the library's computers were in maintenence today, so I couldn't get a comic together. I'll try again tomorrow. However, I did promise something extra, so I guess that'll have to do for now. So, without further ado, I give you:
Movies that should've been great (but were ruined by small changes)
5: X-men Origins: Wolverine
How it should've been great:
Many, many ways. For starters, it had Gambit in it, who, along with Deadpool, was one of the most requested characters from the X-Men mythos for the next movie after X3. Secondly, it had Deadpool in it. Oh, yeah, and it had cameos from Emma Frost, Cyclops, etc, etc. Plus it actually had a proper actor playing Sabretooth, as opposed to his_previous_appearance. That is, the adequately named, Tyler Mane. It was going to be awesomeness of epic proportions.
So why wasn't it?:
Deapool was in it.
Okay then, let's do a comparison. First; the Deadpool from the comics:
This is a man who laughs in the face of danger; who describes himself as (no joke) a cross between a Shar Pei and Ryan Reynolds. He is insane, uses both a sword and a gun at the same time, and has fought along sides people such as Spiderman, The Punisher, and the X-Men.
This is the Deadpool from the movies:
This is a man who laughs in the face of danger; who is Ryan Reynolds. He is insane, uses two swords and a gun at the same time (not really, but he still uses two swords), and who is also The_Green_Lantern. Oh, and then they go and do this to him:
Son of a bi-
4: Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
This movie should have been awesome. The first movie was all about the origins of the Fantastic Four. This one was when we were finally going to see them face off against a big bad, like Galactus. Galactus was the villain in the Fantastic Four series. He was a huge, kick-ass villain who made even Doctor Doom quiver in his pansy little boots. The man ate worlds. Not just roughed them up a little for looking at him funny, HE ATE THEM BECAUSE HE WAS HUNGRY. This should give you an idea of why is was so disappointing when:
They turned Galactus into a cloud.
No, seriously. They made him into a giant cloud that sort of looked like it might have had a shadow on it that may have been cast by someone wearing a shoddy, home-made Galactus costume, but only if you squinted and were kind of drunk.
Damnit, Marvel, stop making crappy comic book movies.
Why it should have been awesome:
It was Hellblazer, damnit! This comic was the epitomy of what an Indie comic should have been like. It stuck it to the two main comic book companies. Even when Vertigo got taken over by DC, it still had some semblance of respect. And, actually, the movie did a fairly good job of conveying the awesomeness of the comics. The man fights demons. The devil brings him back to life because he doesn't want Heaven to have him. This is awesome!
Two words: Keanu Reeves.
Okay, look, in the comics, John Constantine is a wise-cracking, chain smoking paranormal detective. So for cryin' out loud, DC, get someone with more than two facial expressions to play him!
I'm not kidding.
2: Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace
Why it should have been Awesome:
It was George Lucas' return to the Star Wars universe! We actually got to see Yoda and Obi Wan in action! Anakin Skywalker as a kid!
Okay, seriously, if you were a fan of the Star Wars trilogy back when they were first released (late seventies to early eighties. Before my time, but work with me here, I know what I'm talking about), the Jedi were the epitome of cool. They had cool laser swords and freaking magic powers. The Force was every fanboy's dream. It led many children of the 80s and 90s to try to kill their teachers with their minds (Okay, that one was speaking from experience, but I digress). So it was a huge thing for George Lucas to release a prequel trilogy. Huge.
So many a fan lined up for hours, in the rain, waiting to see how the story begins. Only to have their dreams shattered. By Midiclorians.
With one line, the Force goes from being mystical and cool, to being a magical parasite. You'll notice that they are never mentioned again in anything. Except for forums of nerds raging about how it should never have happened.
Oh, and also, giant frogs.
1: I Am Legend
It's Will Smith fighting vampires in a post-apocalyptic New York City. If that isn't awesome to you, you either have no soul, or are a vampire.
Or this guy...
DAMNIT, JAR JAR, GET OUt OF MY BLOG!
People thought the original ending was too depressing.
The original ending for I Am Legend (based on the book of the same name) had Smith's character discover that the vampire-creature things were only after him because he was capturing and experimenting on them to try to find a cure. A process that, I imagine, would be incredibly painful. However, the entire point of the title is that he is their boogeyman; the legend in their ghost stories. So they changed the ending, completely disregarding the fact that it changed the entire meaning of the title, which was the entire. Freaking. Point.
And then they killed the dog.
You heartless bastards.